As I stepped into the shower yesterday I was blindsided by so many thoughts from a few weeks ago.
The night before the surgery I had spent the entire night awake, lying in bed with the same thoughts going through my head, over and over and over again. I had cried silently most of the night, afraid to wake anyone up. I knew that Tom was awake next to me, but it was understood between us that nothing more could be said to make either of us feel better. Talking about our fears for the upcoming surgery was too hard and we didn't want to speak the unthinkable. During this entire week and a half leading up to the surgery, at no time did we ever talk about the risks of the surgery and the possibility that Aliza might not make it through the surgery.
On this day I was taking a shower in the children's bathroom, unlike most days when I shower in our bathroom. The last time I was in the children's shower was the morning of Alizas second open heart surgery. As I stood there yesterday, the memories of my feelings the morning of Aliza's surgery came flooding back. Its funny how a small thing can bring back so many feelings and memories.
I remembered standing in the shower, at 5:30 in the morning, numb. I remember time felt like it was standing still. I was shivering and cold. The water was cold, but it was as if I couldn't feel it. I knew that eventually the water would warm up and I just stood there waiting. I waited and waited, thoughts running through my head. Thoughts of what the day ahead held for me and my family. Our precious little girl was going to have surgery and handing her over to the surgeons could possibly be the last time I would see her. This shower was the first step that I needed to take to get Aliza to her surgery but for some reason, the water was not warming up and I was still standing in the cold but yet couldn't do anything to make it better. Finally, after about 10 minutes of standing in the cold shower I realized that the reason it wasn't warming was because I hadn't turned on the hot water. I was so consumed with the "what ifs" running through my head that I could not function. It was almost as though the numbing cold was easier.
Eventually, I was able to get myself together and motivated to start this day. I knew that without this surgery, Aliza's body would begin failing. It could be a few weeks or a few months, but one thing was for sure, not having the surgery was not an option. We had asked all the questions, done all the research and felt very confident in the skills of the surgeon and the cardiologists who would be caring for her post-surgery. However all the preparation in the world can not prepare you for the moment you walk away from your child and leave them in the operating room. We strengthen each other and I felt myself lean into Tom to hold me up. Two weeks later, my emotions about this moment are still so raw. Looking back, I had so much fear that I would not see Aliza again, or that she would be forever changed. I know that my fears are all very normal, but in our life we have been challenged so many times. It seems as though we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I suppose this is reason I could not get beyond the fears of the complications and "what ifs." I feel like there is always a complication or challenge that we have had to get past. On the positive, we have always overcome these challenges. Maybe I am just a pessimistic person, but I had thought about every possible scenario at some point leading up to the surgery. Never did I believe that just one week after surgery Aliza would be home and two weeks after surgery, she would be back to school.
Aliza's strength is amazing. Her recovery has been incredible and I am astonished by how well she has taken this challenge. Her heart is functioning so much better than it ever has in her entire life. She is still taking a medication to assist her heart, but hopefully in the next few months she will be off that medicine. She has taken daily heart medicine for the last 6 years, it will be so nice to have her body medication free. Today Aliza woke up and asked if it was Monday. I told her it was Monday. And she then said, "since today is Monday, then I am going to school, right?" I told her that if she felt well enough to go to school, then I would let her. Within minutes she was out of bed and dressed for her day, excited to get back to her normal routine and to see her friends. I walked her into school because she can't carry her backpack yet, and I was overwhelmed with the true joy and excitement of the other students to have her back in school. What a great feeling for both of us!
Our community of family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, swim team members, classmates and so many others, have all been so supportive. These last two weeks have been so much less stressful because of the kindness and thoughtfulness of everyone around us. I am so thankful to live in a community where
we have so much support. It sure makes raising a child with special needs a lot easier.
