Aliza recently pulled out a photo album from when she was born.I found it really touching that on the very same day we learned that Aliza was going to need a second heart surgery, she pulled out the album from when she was born to look at the pictures from her first surgery. Looking at those photos I recall every moment of the day and hospital stay as vividly as though it was yesterday. I remember that the four hour surgery seemed to go so fast. I remember that I never had any fears of post operative complications or medication issues. We had been in the hospital for almost a week before the surgery, we maybe were too comfortable. I think about that time and wonder how we made it through the day and weeks ahead smiling and seemingly without worry. After all, we walked out of the hospital with a healthy baby girl.
This time heading in to open heart surgery is so different. This time I have a daughter that I can't imagine living life without. I would have said the same thing at her first surgery, but in hindsight, I don't think I really understood how deeply a parent loves their child. Since we knew about Alizas heart defect before birth, I think I reserved a lot of my emotions and attachment to her until after her heart was repaired. I loved her from the moment we learned I was pregnant, but I knew that love could be taken away. For the past eleven years we have given everything we have to care for our children. Our love, our time, our support. We have given our children our everything and in return they have given us the unconditional love that only a child can give. Aliza is a vibrant, loving and creative 11 year old. She is spunky and intuitive. She has opened my eyes to so much more than I ever imagined. Once upon a time I thought that people with disabilities were defined by their disability, but now I really understand that disability is only a small part of that persons life. Our lives are what we make of them and Aliza has taken the reigns of her life and run. At eleven years old she has achieved so much more than we could have dreamed for her. (I find myself saying this a lot, and then she surprises us even more)
Now as we are 4 days away from her heart surgery my mind is full of so much worry and I am an emotional basket case! I know that she is going to sail through this surgery without any complications, but what if she doesn't? What if she has complications? The list of possible complications is so long and overwhelming. I am trying really hard to stay positive and only think about how healthy she will be once her heart is fixed. And unlike her first heart surgery, we now have three other children to worry about. They will be fine without their mom and dad around for a few days. They will have to be. They will be surrounded by our wonderful family and friends who will swoop in and take our place while we dedicate this time to Aliza. But even though they are not expressing it, I know they are impacted by the elevated stress level in our home. I am sure they understand that this is a big deal. The other day while we were talking about the upcoming surgery, Trevor said, "Mom, since they are working on her heart, do you think they can make her less mean?" They have a very typical sibling relationship. I wouldn't say that they get along great, but I bet they would be the first to defend and stand up for each other.
It was so much easier to the first time around. We didn't have time to think about the complications, the risk, the other kids, and Aliza's needs. We have also started preparing Aliza for the surgery. We have talked about being in the hospital and that she is going to have a new scar where her old one is. We have talked about people coming to visit her and that Mommy is going to be there with her the entire time. I am pretty sure that she understand somewhat what is going to happen. While talking about the surgery, I told her they needed to fix her heart and they would get to it through her chest. She said, "I don't think that is going to work for me Mom," and then she pointed to her left side and said "my heart is over here." She also told me that she didn't want to go to the hospital, that she wanted to stay here with her family. That broke my heart, but then when I told her that I would be with her the entire time, she said, "Okay, we can do this!"
I have to keep going back to that. It was very simple, but so meaningful. Yes, we can do this!
Please pray for Aliza and the doctors and nurses taking care of her. Her surgery is scheduled for 8am Friday, November 15, 2013. We will update her progress and post operative recovery on the Caring Bridge page dedicated to Aliza. You can visit the page by following this link. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/alizapidgeon
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